


Kittenlicks & Sharkbites

by long_dark_teatime



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Hickeys, M/M, Premature Ejaculation, Smut, dubiously small amounts of plot, eloquent gay yelping, i guess?, so much restraint on todd's part im so proud of my son, theyre soft it's their first time LET THEM LIVE
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-02
Updated: 2018-04-02
Packaged: 2019-04-17 08:52:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14185350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/long_dark_teatime/pseuds/long_dark_teatime
Summary: They're both clueless. But in different ways. The universe is on their side though and voila: smut.





	Kittenlicks & Sharkbites

Todd Brotzman has identified as an asshole his entire life. So it came as a bit of a surprise (mostly to himself) that he was still cradling Dirks face and softly kissing him instead of grabbing handfuls of his decidedly luscious butt and shamelessly rutting against the detective to get off. 

Now, the surprising part was that he had been restraining himself for several weeks now, never pushing the other, just accepting the gingerly placed kisses, hesitant hand holding and positively revolting amount of loving gazes directed at him. 

He had always assumed Dirk to be rather inexperienced but he wouldn’t have taken him one for shyness particularly, if you’d asked him a month ago, but since then they’d made quite some discoveries, merely some of which were case related, only one was (as of yet) completely unrelated to anything Todd could think of, and most of which were, well, about each other. 

The case so far had been, unsurprisingly, a hot mess and had (with guest appearances of a donkey, several multicoloured rubber gloves and no uncertain amount of grapefruits) led to their belated realizations of how utterly gone for each other they were.

Todd had known, in the very back of his head, for a while now that he had a teensy bit of a crush on the overarticulated british bloke.  
He had just needed that little bit of a holistic smack on the back of the head to admit as much to himself. 

The universe gladly provided that smack in form of a chestful of adrenaline high detective, and further decided that, with todd being as emotionally constipated as he was, a metaphorical splash of cold water to the face might be necessary as well, and promptly supplied some minor explosions in the background and a spontaneously malfunctioning jukebox playing ‚You’re in Love’ just as Dirk gathered his limbs enough to pull himself off of Todd enough for their eyes to meet.

And the rest was history. 

From the first tentative touch of lips to the little pecks Dirk was currently peppering all over his boyfriend, things had gotten a lot more confident, if not exactly in the way Todd might have once expected.  
But he wasn’t like that anymore. If Dirk wanted to take things slow, then slow it would be. 

Agonizingly so, a rather more primal part of Todds brain added. 

And it was true. Todd admittedly had some trouble remembering the last day he hadn’t been painfully hard to the point of having to excuse himself and end one of their low key snogging sessions to have a wank back in his own bathroom. He had given un up on cold showers about a week ago, deciding that it couldn’t possibly be healthy. He would risk being overheard and have an improbably embarrassing conversation with Dirk rather than getting pneumonia, thanks very much.

He was actually about to come up with another one of his increasingly absurd excuses when Dirk broke the kiss, presumably to catch his breath. Todd licked his lips as he tried to decide between the seemingly easy option of “sorry gotta pee” ( treacherous that one, might draw attention to a certain area he’d rather didn’t have Dirk notice right then) and “ I think I left the stove on” (cliché as it might be, Dirk being his clumsy self had so far shown considerable empathy for this one on all three occasions Todd had used it).

Dirk, it turned out, hadn’t really felt any need for catching his breath and was leaning back in already, eyes still closed. That was until he made contact with Todd’s tongue, just on its way back into the confinement of Todd’s mouth after wetting his lips. 

Dirk’s eyes shot open incredibly wide.  
Todd was frozen in his movement, unable to do anything but watch as a multitude of expressions flew over Dirk’s features, starting with utter surprise, moving on to something akin to scandalized astonishment and, after a flurry of uniquely Dirk grimaces, settling on a mix of realization, awe and wicked determination. 

The last one was more than familiar to Todd.  
It was the manic smirk the detective sported almost constantly when they got to the higher-entropy-level stages of their cases.  
An expression that usually elicited a slightly pained and extremely exasperated groan and eye roll from Todd, but which would, in its new context... actually technically have the same effect, just with a very different intonation.

Apparently, Dirk just hadn’t known he could use his tongue. 

Just, had not been aware of this. But, oh boy, was he gonna redeem his newfound knowledge. 

Todd was still a bit dumbstruck, both with the onslaught of sensations as well as the realization of just how much more he could show to Dirk and how much time he had wasted by just assuming Dirk was making the conscious decision to take things this slow. 

He let his head thump back against a wall, half resolving to have a talk with Dirk right then and there and figure this out, but he didn’t quite get that far. 

Dirk, who had happily spent the last moments poking his tongue at the corner of Todd’s mouth and running it along the other mans half opened mouth, didn’t let a minor detail such as those lips now being out of reach stop his explorations.  
While before he had shown utter unawareness of any new concepts concerning their make out sessions, he was now incredibly quick to latch onto Todd’s exposed neck without further prompts.

Well, maybe not latch, exactly.  
He just kept up his newfound way of exploring things with the tip of his tongue, moving his open mouth over Todd’s throat and up towards his jaw, tongue poking out at intervals, leaving small spots of wet skin behind. 

Todd sucked in a sharp breath as the detective reached a specially sensitive spot under the point of his jaw. 

As much as he was against the concept of clues and such nonsense when it was case related, Dirk definitely took this as a hint, tongue lapping repeatedly over the spot. 

It was nothing like what Todd was used to.  
He loved neck kisses, but they were usually a bit different, more desperate, broader, bolder.  
What Dirk was doing was more like... kittenlicks.  
They were driving Todd insane. Which was saying a lot, really, since his definition of sane had rapidly expanded since meeting Dirk, to accommodate for all the Weird Shit they got up to. He could deal with semi-sentient toasters, but this, this was torture, even compared to being electrocuted and he would know what that was like…

He snapped. 

There was only so much a guy could take, selfish arse or not. 

He pulled Dirk off his neck by grabbing a fistful of his hair and sank his teeth in where Dirk’s neck sloped into his surprisingly broad shoulder. 

The sound that followed was loud (even by Dirk standards), at least as eloquent as the detectives gestures tended to be, and could generally only be referred to as a yelp.

Todd snapped his head back, thumping it on the wall (hard) but he couldn’t care less.  
“Shit Dirk, I-I’m so sorry I didn’t - I just - what you were doing to my neck.. I didn’t mean to, sorry I just, you were driving me insane, I - sorry I was being a dick I-”

Dirk seemed to register only part of the message, really, his eyes snapping down to where there was a very visible bulge in Todd’s uncomfortably tight looking jeans.

Todd stopped rambling and followed his gaze down.  
Heat shot to his face and he was just about to start rambling apologies again, but Dirk silenced him with a kiss.  
And what a kiss it was. Nothing like the juvenile little touches of lips (and lately tongue too).  
It left Todd stuck for words, barely managing to breathe and stare. 

“Dirk, look.. I don’t wanna push you I can take care of this, just, just ignore it “

“Todd, what on earth are you talking about? It’s ok. In fact. This is actually, maybe, probably, quite a bit more than okay. I think. I don’t know, I.. don’t know a lot about .. all this” Dirk rambled, gesturing widely at both of them, “in case you hadn’t noticed I.. don’t have a lot of experience, none at all one might say, but then one might say a lot of things, a lot of which are often not entirely true and disregarding facts is something a lot of people do quite frequently, as you may recall, for example that one time when-”

“Dirk.”  
Dirk’s mouth snapped shut and cut off his increasingly agitated monologue. His eyes that had been flickering all around the room slowly crept back towards Todd, only meeting his eyes when Todd reached for his hand and squeezed it. 

“Chill. It’s ok if this is your first time, you know“ 

“Technically” Dirk started but stopped himself when Todd gave hime the look. 

“We’ll do everything at your pace Dirk. If you even want to do everything, that is, I mean we can obviously stop at any-“ 

“Yes.”

Todd looked at him with a bit of surprise. 

“I want to do everything. With you” Dirk stated, determined and naturally enthusiastic, as was his custom. 

“Good.” Todd swallowed. “Thats.. good, umm, great, actually”  
They grinned at each other.

“Sooooo...?” Dirk let the word trail off as his gaze wandered down Todd’s body once more, slowly, suggestively. He looked up at Todd. 

“What like.. right now?” Todd sounded a bit panicked.

“Theres no time like the present, Todd” the detective quipped. 

Todd huffed a little laugh, that immediately turned into a choked cough. 

Dirk had taken one look at Todd’s expression and decided that a face that fond must surely count as consent, so he dove right back in continuing his administrations to Todd’s throat.  
He kept it very light, waiting for Todd to regain his composure before slowly descending south. Until he hit the top of Todd’s shirt. 

 

He moved back and gave the garment a look of such utter offense that Todd immediately scrambled to take it off and throw it as far across the room as he could, lest his easily distractible boyfriend’s limited attention span be taken up by a very in depth argument with the inanimate object (it would not be the first but definitely a decidedly inconvenient time for that to happen, Todd thought to himself). 

It worked.  
Dirk let out an appreciative hum against Todd’s exposed chest and continued exploring Todd’s body with tiny flicks of his tongue.

Todd managed to stay mostly shut up through Dirk laving at his nipple, and even, surprisingly, restricted himself from anything but a (very manly) keening sound as the detective decided to investigate his bellybutton by dipping his tongue in. 

It was when he started lapping at a spot right over Todd’s hipbone that he decided he could not keep this up any longer. (That spot was kinda ticklish and the quick short laps of Dirk’s tongue should really be forbidden under act 1 of the United Nations Convention Against Torture) 

“Christ, Dirk, there’s really no need to be so... shy”

Words that would bite Todd in the ass approximately 2.7 seconds later. 

Metaphorically of course. 

Literally, he got bitten right in that sensitive spot over his hip. 

His ass merely got some very prominent fingernails digging into it through his jeans.

There was no way of denying it, even as an expert liar such as Todd thought himself to be, that the resulting yell was not very manly. 

Neither was the wet spot appearing in his pants, but there was nothing to do about it…now.

He could feel dirk grinning against his skin and then licking once more to sooth over the teeth marks.

“Shit, Dirk, that was..”  
Todd broke off as Dirk placed another soft kiss on the the over sensitized spot. 

“Yes, Todd? Please, do elaborate” he smirked. 

“Asshole”

“Hmmm maybe next time” Dirk mumbled.

Todd pinched his side, which resulted in Dirk convulsing and subsequently pressing against Todd in a way that made it impossible to ignore how absurdly hard he still was. 

So, naturally, being the great assisfriend that he was, Todd started unbuttoning Dirk’s clothes. (There were way too many buttons, posh clothes were just so inconvenient)

He followed the trail of newly revealed skin with his mouth. 

Dirk could take some of his own medicine, he figured, as he teased his way down the other’s torso, kissing very lightly and trailing his lips down deliberately slowly. 

And it was working, judging by the constant stream of soft gasps and honest to god mewling that poured from Dirk’s lips. 

Then again, he hardly ever shut up at any other time, so maybe this wasn’t quite as effective as Todd would want.  
Just to be sure he really was riling Dirk up at least as much as he done with him before, he sucked hard at the skin right over Dirk’s heart, scraping his teeth over his nipple for a second and then continued his slow path southwards, stopping every now and then to leave more hickeys and occasional bite marks. 

By the time he had reached the waistband of his pants, Dirk was reduced to indiscernible babbling.  
Todd stopped as he reached for the zip, seeking Dirks gaze, but Dirk had his eyes screwed tightly shut.

“OhmygodToddIswearifyoustopnowimdemotingyoutocleaningstaff”

Todd took personal offense to that statement, both because of the message as well as the fact that Dirk had returned to the land of the articulated this quickly.  
Well, kind of, but on The Dirk Scale that one was actually rather up there, since Todd had actually caught every word of it.  
Then again, he was a fully trained assisfriend, so maybe he oughtn’t be the one to judge this kinda stuff..

Either way, he decided he had liked it much better when Dirk had been too turned on to form words, and so went ahead and removed Dirk’s trousers.  
He took the liberty to strip his pans off in the same movement. 

He had planned to just go right ahead, lest Dirk complained more, but he had to take a moment to take in the sight before him. 

Dirk was beautiful. 

He had know that, obviously, but he was still struck by the fact that literally every inch of his holistic brit was pure perfection, smooth marble dipped in the soft golden glow of morning light, broad and smooth and -

“Tooooddd” Dirk whined, hands scrabbling on Todd’s shoulder trying to pull him closer again.

Todd felt like he should tell Dirk how beautiful he was, how irritatingly fond he was of him, but he figured it may not be quite the time for that, and also Dirk was getting really pushy and Todd would not have any of that. 

“Look, I know you don’t get hunches from the universe, so let me give you a hint shall I? You might wanna put your mouth- “

Damn that impatient prick, Todd thought, and deliberately moved right past Dirk’s cock to nip the soft skin where his thigh met his groin.  
He let his fingers lightly trail over Dirk’s thighs, making him shiver delightfully, but he kept just almost touching Dirk’s arousal.  
But not quite.  
He breathed on it, sure, even let his stubble tickle the base of it as he moved his mouth over Dirk’s skin. 

Dirk was back to guttural sounds and irregular intakes of breath. 

Good. 

Todd smiled to himself, and half let himself decide to give in when Dirk produced a particularly sinful moan from deep in his chest. 

He compromised by running the underside of his tongue very lightly down the length of Dirk’s dick and then pressing the flat of his tongue to Dirk’s perineum.  
The sound that got him was explicitly obscene. 

Todd could work with that, he decided as he pushed Dirk’s thighs up a bit and let his mouth trail just that little bit further. 

He had meant to make Dirk squirm and beg for it and maybe (definitely) pulling some more of those articulated sounds from him, but the universe, it appeared, had a little more mercy on Dirk than it had had on Todd when it came to these kind of situations.

All it took was one peck to Dirk’s hole and he was done for. 

The high pitched, surprised oh that fell from Dirk’s lips turned raspy as Dirk started to come all over his own chest. 

Todd could feel the muscles under his fingers lock as Dirk’s release made him curl in on himself, and then tremble as he slowly came down from his high. 

Todd rubbed hs hands over dirks thighs once before pulling himself back up the bed to take in the satisfied glow that radiated from Dirk’s face. He had to kiss that sunshine bright smile right off his face, it was just too much to look at. 

“God, you’re beautiful, you know that right?” Todd sighed once they broke apart.

“Well, not all of us can have such a ridiculous, and utterly unjustifiable inferiority complex Todd” 

“Shut up” Todd grinned against Dirk’s lips. 

Good to know they were right back to the teasing part of their relationship. 

“Im serious though. You’re like, radiant, and warm and actually fucking ripped how are you this beautiful when you put that much sugar in your tea, and that much pizza in your body?!”

“I’m starting to think I like it better when you use your mouth for other things rather than talking..” Dirk quipped. 

Todd smacked him in the chest. 

Lightly. 

He let his hand rest there, drawing small circles over the broad panes.

“Hey Todd. C’mere.” Dirk mumbled and pulled him into his arms. 

Todd let himself be held, shuffling until he could comfortably rest his head in the crook of Dirk’s neck. He kept his finger trailing over Dirk’s collarbone and then slightly down, feeling his steady heartbeat and tracing the love bite he had left there, enjoying the easy comfortable closeness of the moment. 

“That hickey kinda looks like Mexico” he mused, smiling into Dirk’s neck.

“What?!” 

The detective’s head shot around as he scooted back enough to get a full view of Todd’s face.

“It looks a bit like Mexico” Todd said, disgruntled by the sudden movement, poking the bruise in question for emphasis (and possibly a little bit as revenge for breaking up their cozy embrace) 

“Oh..... oh. Solved it! Todd, I solved it come on!” Dirk yelled as he clambered off the bed, managing to knock into Todd with several of his gangly limbs. 

Of course they couldn’t just have a peaceful afterglow and naked cuddles, Todd really should know the universe better by now.

**Author's Note:**

> Happy fucken birthday Kati :)  
> Are y'all proud I actually wrote something??  
> It's been a while (aka five years) so feel free to leave feedback!


End file.
